Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Last night Brandon came over and uttered the words I never thought I'd hear him speak:

"I'm kind of in a Godfather Part III mood."

Gasp! Disbelief! What is it that makes someone walk willingly toward their doom? Was it the poll I had posted on this website (which received a total of three votes, thanks a lot, guys, really appreciate it)? Did he have a premonition? Did the angel Gabriel come to him in a dream and tell him that Al Pacino dressed in old man sweaters was not worth missing?

In any case, I didn't need to confirm this temporary insanity. Off we went to Blockbuster to complete the final chapter of the Godfather saga! On the way, we discussed what kind of lunacy haunted him that he was willing to see what's been called "the scurge of the Godfather trilogy" (by me). Why was he willing to endure this cruel and unusual punishment? I will now conduct a blog sermon.

My friends, what is cruel and unusual punishment? We often think of the rack, the water torture, the dungeon, but I prefer to think of it in a more commonplace way. To me, cruel and unusual punishment is our neighbors hosting a pool party and blasting Celine Dion's The Power of Love for the enjoyment of the street. First of all, really? I'm as big a fan of Celine as the next blogger, but can't we dig out some Beach Boys or Motown for a pool party? I'd even be ok with Ke$ha, or however she spells her name. Secondly, must you replay the song five times in one day? By the fifth time, I get it: I'm your laaaaaaadyyy, and you are my maaaaaaan. But I digress.

To me, cruel and unusual punishment is the Gulf Coast oil spill and Ghana losing World Cup Soccer. The pinnacle of CUP (to create my own acronym) might be Blockbuster not having Dirty Dancing to rent.

At this point in the conversation last night, Brandon caused a minor nuclear meltdown somewhere when he admitted that he's never seen Dirty Dancing. Not once. Not even the clip that you always catch on TV. Brandon, movie connoisseur, has never seen possibly the greatest classic of our time! He doesn't know that no one puts Baby in a corner! Unacceptable. I immediately took The Birdcage off the list (because on closer inspection, turns out we've both seen it) and replaced it with Dirty Dancing. Problem solved, or will be soon. Sermon over.

 Anyway, the movie! It was just short of three hours, and although we had to watch it pretty closely because some of the plot was complicated, we felt free to talk and joke through most of it. When the two of us watch mafia movies, inevitably Brandon ends up explaining most of the plot to me. Consequently, I've given up trying to figure out who did what to which person. It's enough to me to know "that person is bad and they're trying to kill him."

To our surprise, we found ourselves liking the third movie about as much as the second one. The first, we agreed, is an art form and by far the best of the three. The other two are also good movies, but basically just decent mafia flicks. To summarize: we had our hopes built so high for the second one, but we were disappointed overall. On the other hand, we had heard so much crap about Part III that we weren't expecting much, but it was good enough to bring it to the same level as Part II. Got it? No?

This movie could be retitled, "What Happens when the Mafia Gets Old"

One thing I insist upon in movies is enough plot, and I was pleased with this because there was a decent, believable plot. At least, it was no less believable than Part II, which was so confusing that I had to pause it every 20 minutes for an explanation. The acting was, for the most part, also not bad. Surprisingly, I was impressed with Diane Keaton, who I constantly mock for her bad acting in Part II (It was a SON!) She was wonderfully catty and bitchy in this, as she should be for putting up with the mafia thing for the past 30 years or so. The following dialogue did transpire, though (I guess I should have warned you earlier about spoilers, but if you're going to skip any part of the blog post, now's the time):

Me: She's going to tell him she still loves him.
Brandon: She'd never tell him that. He'll say he still loves her, but she won't say it back.
Me: I'd put money on it.
Brandon: She will not.
Me: Will too!
Kay: I've always loved you Michael; I love you still.
Me: YESSSSS.
Brandon: Son of a ...

...followed by words that I will not post on this blog. (Ignore my use of the same word in the previous paragraph.) I will admit that I also found the scene where they're leaving the opera fantastic. Apparently Al Pacino's screams were so agonizing that Francis Ford Coppola cut most of them from the sound track. Now that's a man who hasn't lost his touch for the silver screen.

This leaves only one thing to discuss... Sofia Coppola. I will give you a tip, dear reader! This movie is about ten times less frustrating if you pretend that Sofia is portraying a daughter who's, how shall we say this, a few spaghetti strands short of a serving (that's mafia-speak for not right in the head, I've decided). I'll say no more, as I'm going to hell already, but if that were the case, she deserves the Oscar! It will also help you if you imagine that Vincent is depressed and has a Napoleon complex. Thus, he thinks that any sign of love that anyone shows him is a come-on.

Thus...
*Michael kisses Vincent's hand*
Michael: Don Corleone.
Vincent: DOES THIS MEAN YOU LOVE ME? CAN I TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT? OH PLEASE LOVE ME!

Also, Talia Shire is just annoying in this movie. Every time she shows up in this movie, the two of us would moan, "Beat it, Connie!" She needs to go join a Battered Wives' support group or a knitting circle or something. There's only one cool thing she gets to do, and it's a spoiler, so I won't mention it.



Overall, cruel and unusual punishment? I think not. I would watch it again without qualms, but with a friend. It's not the greatest movie in the world, but it doesn't deserve all the bad rap that it gets. But you know what is CUP? The fact that my neighbors just switched from Celine Dion to country music. Oh well, my heart will go on.

(I should have one of those "Currently listening" tabs so you can know what my neighbors are listening to now.)